Enlightenment. Almost.

A couple of days ago, I read something somewhere about Ram Dass. I’m not a devout follower but for me he’s one of those spiritual teachers who made a deep impression on me at the cellular level after hearing him only once or twice. So, when his name came up, my body started humming quietly, looking for a good moment to allow whatever Ram Dass energy still resided in me rise to the surface. That moment came when I was talking yesterday with a dear friend about some challenges we were each facing.

First, let me tell the story I told her about Ram Dass. It is perfectly short.

Ram Dass was once asked at a workshop whether he was enlightened. He smiled, the group chuckled. And out of his pause he breathed, smiled, and said, “Yes.” More chuckles. He quickly added, “But not around my mother.” Big laughs. Chatter. Everyone found this genuinely funny. Familiar. All, too familiar.

Along similar lines, Ram Dass is known for saying about enlightenment, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” He means your family of origin, of course.

I wonder if anyone can be partially enlightened? Enlightened except when in these few conditions. Isn’t it like saying someone is kind of pregnant? How can anyone be enlightened at all without being always enlightened? These are the obvious questions. I don’t think they’re the right ones.

And here I will admit to you that this post is about my personal struggles with enlightenment. This is not a sage message for the people. But to stay with the analogy, most of the time I feel somewhat pregnant. At best, I am only partially enlightened. So much so, that I am going to nudge enlightenment aside and just worry about being authentic, although both of those concepts have been walking through my mind and heart lately and holding hands.

The challenge I was sharing with my friend is that I was facing a moment in which I knew in my enlightened, authentic heart that I need to let go. This should be familiar to most of us. Let go of the future. Let go of longing. Let go of people. Just let go and trust the universe.

As the moment approached, I felt myself breathing quickly and deeply like a diver making ready  to plunge into the ocean. And in those last preparatory breaths, I actually began negotiating with the universe. I’m sure it is classic.

Every time I whispered, “trust the universe,” I started inserting my projection of what I trusted the universe would do. Yeah, I treated the universe like we were allies. I was like, “You got me, right dude?” That’s how close we were. I was calling the universe, “dude.” And here was my deal, a real cliché.

“If I let go, you’ll give me what I want, right?” It seemed fair enough. I was about to let go of EVERYTHING. I thought it was a great way to set up a trust fund with the universe. Big payments, maybe, but a huge return on investment.

And I think this is where enlightenment or authentic action stepped in. I can’t really say how or where it did this but, suddenly, I let go. I could feel it. And there was no turning back. And all of those deals, those fears that in letting go I would lose everything, they were only whimpers now.

Is this enlightenment? I still have fears but they have no authority or power over my actions. The fact that I still feel my defensiveness rising to the surface, that I can feel my hands wanting to grab back onto whatever I was afraid of losing…does the enlightened person wrestle with such things? And I am not sure when and where I agreed to let go and trust the universe. I had been talking to myself about it but it happened right in the middle of a debate on the matter. My fears were arguing for respect and attention and suddenly one gets tapped on the shoulder and is handed a note: It’s moot. He let go just now. My fears all shut up and stared at one another. Now what?

Yeah. Now what?

I suppose I just trust the universe. I still have nothing profound to say about enlightenment except maybe this. You know those questions earlier I thought were wrong. I think they are wrong because they were in my head. The same head trying to make a deal with the universe. This authentic action I find myself walking now? It’s not in my head at all. It’s somewhere in my body. It’s like I’m pregnant but I’m only just beginning to sense that I am. It’s early and I am not showing yet. Sometimes I doubt that I am and I will have to wait to go get one of those home tests but, yeah, I think I’m pregnant. I can get scared and panic but I am still pregnant. Sure, there are other avenues in this analogy but I’m not going there. I am trusting the universe.

Dammit.

See? There’s a bit of that fear. Still pregnant, however.